Thank you so much for this article. I just started Lexapro yesterday for my anxiety, during my call with the psychiatrist I kept trying to resist a daily medication - for the reasons you have outlined. I KNOW I'm resilient, I have this figured out, I take such good care of myself, etc. She said, "Let me help you, please trust me." I'm giving this a shot.
Love your blog by the way, Jill. I'm glad I searched and stumbled across it.
So well expressed/written, Jill. My dad died at age 61, when I was only 23. That, along with having a child, divorce, guilt and a myriad of "Life Trials" sank me to the lowest of lows...panic attacks, depression, anxiety, etc.. It was tough because this all happened back in the 70's when seeking help was taboo, especially for men. Long story short, I'm so glad I stuck it out; my senior life is amazing right now @ 73. Yet that will end, too, and I brace for the day coming when I will no longer be physically able to do the things I need to do to keep my head on straight.
Keep writing, as it always helps to express one's feelings openly like you do.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve struggled through anxiety, my whole life on many levels. Mini mini fights and many battles one and many battles lost. Life is hard. Specially, with us. Creative types to spend lots of time alone and reflection, we can take us to dark places the most people will never go, same for being an endurance athlete going on long expeditions… Alone in nature can be incredibly healing and incredibly terrifying. At the same time we’ve got the outside world in the inside world. :-) I still want to interview you and talk about this as well. I feel your pain is good for you to share… No shame. It’s truth, authenticity. I remember one of the best things you wrote, and I’m going to paraphrase: you were in Alaska on a trip and you were staying in a cabin with friends and you got up in the middle night and you were in your underwear and you walked out the cabin door to the front porch and stood there when it was 20 below zero or more and you felt the grasp of the Wolf closing in a.k.a. the Wolf being extreme cold.
The wolf will always be out there in many ways. But understand you are loved, and needed by many, and your writing is extraordinary and getting better and better every time I read it. Peace and love, Bill Poindexter.
Thank you. I don’t know you and I don’t really know how I got here but I just wanted to share that Lexapro also got me off of my rollercoaster as well and I echo all the same sentiments you mention about a return of perspective. I was so scared to try it at first too for some of the same reasons (scared of side effects + mental toughness! rawr!) but I finally gave in January 2021 and it’s completely changed my life. The inner turmoil is still there but at the seldom chance the thought of off’ing myself does reappear, I have audibly laughed out loud and responded with “Yea ok. That’s a reasonable response.” Whereas before, the response was always more like, “Yea. DO IT… DO IT!”
I don’t know if that’s too much to share in a comment but just wanted to say that it’s nice to hear stories like yours and I wish you the best!!
Thanks, Daniel, for your comment. There’s still so much judgment surrounding SSRIs. My shift was as simple and impactful as yours. Occasionally I’ll think back to my mindset before I started Lexapro in 2023 or even as far back as 2016 and realize that the suicidal ideation is just … gone … for no other discernible reason than that extra availability of serotonin in my brain. As you pointed out, the inner turmoil is still there, but it doesn’t affect my mood in nearly the same way. It’s more of a “hmm, interesting” reaction rather than a frothing desperation to escape somehow.
Perhaps there’s a magic bullet sort of lifestyle change out there to address these mental misfires, but for those for whom antidepressants work, I have yet to find a strong argument about why they should be avoided. It’s more of a, “Just go for a walk” reaction from those who clearly don’t understand, and who only have unhelpful suggestions that many of us have already tried.
Ah yes! The "just go for a walk" crowd. Pre-medication, I discussed that once with a friend who won the genetic lottery in mental health and the only way I could get him to stop suggesting things like that was to ask him "how many times have you ever thought about suicide?" He responded with 0 and when I said "I think about it 7 times a day", he was finally speechless haha.
I try to talk about SSRIs (and therapy) with any of my friends that even hint at the word "depression" because, honestly, I'm just trying to normalize it for them and just to get them to see a therapist first. However, the conversations I do have trouble sustaining are with friends that are not as lucky as us with a basic dosage of Lexapro. They have tried all sorts of combos and they are still struggling. I know I can't say things like "well Lexapro worked for me" to them because it'd be their version of "Just go for a walk". I just kind of clam up because I don't really know what to say to them. Not sure if you've had better luck in that department?
Such an open, honest account of what you've been going through that should carry no shame. It is brave of you to put it out there and I hope it will find someone else who would be helped by what you've said.
I always appreciate your vulnerability in your writing. It inspires me to do the same. I'm glad you found yourself again.
It's been nearly 4 years since I started taking Lexapro, and it was like a switch for me. I do wonder if I will ever stop taking it. I don't feel ready; life keeps throwing me curveballs that feel too hard to endure without the chemical crutch. I think I'm nearly through perimenopause (one more month to make it 12 months since my last cycle!! Fingers crossed!). So I wonder if menopause will help me feel more balanced.
Only you Jill are courageous enough to make this discussion reveal what you and others go through. Depression and suicide seem to be part of "the human condition" that we all undergo.
My problem is genuine, in a wheel chair for life, no possibility of regaining my physical abilities. Still there are pleasant relations with my wife, and others. Activities I look forward to with some excitement. Like you I guess, Pain is the great leveler.
Thanks for writing this, Jill. And applause to you for having the courage to do it. Our public faces can be so different from what’s going on inside.
I am one of the lucky ones. I seem to have a genetic disposition to positivity, assuming I am in the right environment (as I am in now). Nonetheless, I have experienced some depression and even had a couple of panic attacks in the past, so I have an inkling of what things must have been like for you.
I particularly like this statement of yours: “Some people win the genetic lottery before they’re born and skate through life without assistance. I’m just not one of those people.”
I find it helpful to view the mind as a tool, as well as the place our sense of self resides. It is a tool we inherit. It has flaws, yet we can't exchange it for another. It must be maintained with whatever resources we have and whatever works. We don't expect our bikes or any other piece of gear to function well without proper maintenance.
I can't remember if I suggested the book The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt. In it he likens mental illness to bad eyesight. Some people need glasses. It's not a moral failing on their part, it's just a consequence of the genes they have. We used to not have glasses or contacts, and so those people suffered. Fortunately, we now have the tools to make their lives easier. The same can be said for mental issues. We are fortunate to live in a time when we have the tools to make life easier for many with mental issues. We should be happy for those who can benefit from those tools.
Anyway, thanks again for writing about this. I assume it's helpful to you, but it's definitely helpful to your family and friends and many others out there.
Jill, I'm glad to hear that Lexapro seems to be working for you and I hope it continues to work for a very long time. Dealing with anxiety like that sounds so difficult. It is great to see that you recognize all the good things that you have, but I also understand that these good things don't necessarily help anxiety feel any less devastating. Thank you for your bravery in speaking up and detailing your struggles. We are all human and odd as it may be, we seem to find connections in our struggles. Writing like this is vulnerable, but sometimes exactly what both a writer and reader need. - Thank you.
Thank you for this. I can relate to some of it in many ways, different circumstances. But the blog take down thing shook me...because I have done that numerous times. Or killed social media accounts...for similar reasons. I had no idea it was related to SI but it makes a ton of sense now.
Thank you so much for this article. I just started Lexapro yesterday for my anxiety, during my call with the psychiatrist I kept trying to resist a daily medication - for the reasons you have outlined. I KNOW I'm resilient, I have this figured out, I take such good care of myself, etc. She said, "Let me help you, please trust me." I'm giving this a shot.
Love your blog by the way, Jill. I'm glad I searched and stumbled across it.
So well expressed/written, Jill. My dad died at age 61, when I was only 23. That, along with having a child, divorce, guilt and a myriad of "Life Trials" sank me to the lowest of lows...panic attacks, depression, anxiety, etc.. It was tough because this all happened back in the 70's when seeking help was taboo, especially for men. Long story short, I'm so glad I stuck it out; my senior life is amazing right now @ 73. Yet that will end, too, and I brace for the day coming when I will no longer be physically able to do the things I need to do to keep my head on straight.
Keep writing, as it always helps to express one's feelings openly like you do.
Mark, from Lovely Ouray.
Thank you for sharing. I’ve struggled through anxiety, my whole life on many levels. Mini mini fights and many battles one and many battles lost. Life is hard. Specially, with us. Creative types to spend lots of time alone and reflection, we can take us to dark places the most people will never go, same for being an endurance athlete going on long expeditions… Alone in nature can be incredibly healing and incredibly terrifying. At the same time we’ve got the outside world in the inside world. :-) I still want to interview you and talk about this as well. I feel your pain is good for you to share… No shame. It’s truth, authenticity. I remember one of the best things you wrote, and I’m going to paraphrase: you were in Alaska on a trip and you were staying in a cabin with friends and you got up in the middle night and you were in your underwear and you walked out the cabin door to the front porch and stood there when it was 20 below zero or more and you felt the grasp of the Wolf closing in a.k.a. the Wolf being extreme cold.
The wolf will always be out there in many ways. But understand you are loved, and needed by many, and your writing is extraordinary and getting better and better every time I read it. Peace and love, Bill Poindexter.
Thank you. I don’t know you and I don’t really know how I got here but I just wanted to share that Lexapro also got me off of my rollercoaster as well and I echo all the same sentiments you mention about a return of perspective. I was so scared to try it at first too for some of the same reasons (scared of side effects + mental toughness! rawr!) but I finally gave in January 2021 and it’s completely changed my life. The inner turmoil is still there but at the seldom chance the thought of off’ing myself does reappear, I have audibly laughed out loud and responded with “Yea ok. That’s a reasonable response.” Whereas before, the response was always more like, “Yea. DO IT… DO IT!”
I don’t know if that’s too much to share in a comment but just wanted to say that it’s nice to hear stories like yours and I wish you the best!!
Thanks, Daniel, for your comment. There’s still so much judgment surrounding SSRIs. My shift was as simple and impactful as yours. Occasionally I’ll think back to my mindset before I started Lexapro in 2023 or even as far back as 2016 and realize that the suicidal ideation is just … gone … for no other discernible reason than that extra availability of serotonin in my brain. As you pointed out, the inner turmoil is still there, but it doesn’t affect my mood in nearly the same way. It’s more of a “hmm, interesting” reaction rather than a frothing desperation to escape somehow.
Perhaps there’s a magic bullet sort of lifestyle change out there to address these mental misfires, but for those for whom antidepressants work, I have yet to find a strong argument about why they should be avoided. It’s more of a, “Just go for a walk” reaction from those who clearly don’t understand, and who only have unhelpful suggestions that many of us have already tried.
Ah yes! The "just go for a walk" crowd. Pre-medication, I discussed that once with a friend who won the genetic lottery in mental health and the only way I could get him to stop suggesting things like that was to ask him "how many times have you ever thought about suicide?" He responded with 0 and when I said "I think about it 7 times a day", he was finally speechless haha.
I try to talk about SSRIs (and therapy) with any of my friends that even hint at the word "depression" because, honestly, I'm just trying to normalize it for them and just to get them to see a therapist first. However, the conversations I do have trouble sustaining are with friends that are not as lucky as us with a basic dosage of Lexapro. They have tried all sorts of combos and they are still struggling. I know I can't say things like "well Lexapro worked for me" to them because it'd be their version of "Just go for a walk". I just kind of clam up because I don't really know what to say to them. Not sure if you've had better luck in that department?
Such an open, honest account of what you've been going through that should carry no shame. It is brave of you to put it out there and I hope it will find someone else who would be helped by what you've said.
I always appreciate your vulnerability in your writing. It inspires me to do the same. I'm glad you found yourself again.
It's been nearly 4 years since I started taking Lexapro, and it was like a switch for me. I do wonder if I will ever stop taking it. I don't feel ready; life keeps throwing me curveballs that feel too hard to endure without the chemical crutch. I think I'm nearly through perimenopause (one more month to make it 12 months since my last cycle!! Fingers crossed!). So I wonder if menopause will help me feel more balanced.
- Patrice
Only you Jill are courageous enough to make this discussion reveal what you and others go through. Depression and suicide seem to be part of "the human condition" that we all undergo.
My problem is genuine, in a wheel chair for life, no possibility of regaining my physical abilities. Still there are pleasant relations with my wife, and others. Activities I look forward to with some excitement. Like you I guess, Pain is the great leveler.
Thanks for writing this, Jill. And applause to you for having the courage to do it. Our public faces can be so different from what’s going on inside.
I am one of the lucky ones. I seem to have a genetic disposition to positivity, assuming I am in the right environment (as I am in now). Nonetheless, I have experienced some depression and even had a couple of panic attacks in the past, so I have an inkling of what things must have been like for you.
I particularly like this statement of yours: “Some people win the genetic lottery before they’re born and skate through life without assistance. I’m just not one of those people.”
I find it helpful to view the mind as a tool, as well as the place our sense of self resides. It is a tool we inherit. It has flaws, yet we can't exchange it for another. It must be maintained with whatever resources we have and whatever works. We don't expect our bikes or any other piece of gear to function well without proper maintenance.
I can't remember if I suggested the book The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathan Haidt. In it he likens mental illness to bad eyesight. Some people need glasses. It's not a moral failing on their part, it's just a consequence of the genes they have. We used to not have glasses or contacts, and so those people suffered. Fortunately, we now have the tools to make their lives easier. The same can be said for mental issues. We are fortunate to live in a time when we have the tools to make life easier for many with mental issues. We should be happy for those who can benefit from those tools.
Anyway, thanks again for writing about this. I assume it's helpful to you, but it's definitely helpful to your family and friends and many others out there.
EMDR was very effective for me. So glad it was beneficial for you.
Jill, I'm glad to hear that Lexapro seems to be working for you and I hope it continues to work for a very long time. Dealing with anxiety like that sounds so difficult. It is great to see that you recognize all the good things that you have, but I also understand that these good things don't necessarily help anxiety feel any less devastating. Thank you for your bravery in speaking up and detailing your struggles. We are all human and odd as it may be, we seem to find connections in our struggles. Writing like this is vulnerable, but sometimes exactly what both a writer and reader need. - Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for this. I can relate to some of it in many ways, different circumstances. But the blog take down thing shook me...because I have done that numerous times. Or killed social media accounts...for similar reasons. I had no idea it was related to SI but it makes a ton of sense now.
Thank you for writing about this. I've also had EMDR, and found it weird, but immensely helpful.
Jill, I applaud you for writing that. Being candid will help others and hopefully help you. You said you were looking for articles of endurance athletes struggling with this; you might get something out of this profile I wrote https://www.irunfar.com/of-the-heart-and-mind-nick-and-jade-de-la-rosas-journey.
Take care and keep writing!